Uplift War

We will uplift dogs as a key step in the cold war against China.

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37 Responses to Uplift War

  1. Woof says:

    Offer full citizenship and a job if they defect.

    • Rosenmop says:

      To the dogs?

      • Woof says:

        I was thinking airport security, they could sniff out dirty commies and bite them for a change.

        • There is a great joke about a talking dog that references his lying about his work in airport security.

          • ghazisiz says:

            A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’

            He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

            The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

            “You talk?” he asks.

            “Yep” the Lab replies.

            After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, “So, what’s your story?”

            The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running… but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

            The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

            “Ten dollars” the guy says.

            “Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?”

            “Because he’s a liar. He’s never been out of the yard.”

        • John Massey says:

          Better – those cunning bastards the French have trained German Shepherds to detect people with Covid-19, and in tests they have been 100% right. It seems they can smell it in people’s sweat, including people who are asymptomatic. And even if the dogs get infected, they don’t get sick, and they can’t infect people (it seems felines are much more susceptible).

          A few dogs like that patrolling an airport would be worth their weight in gold, and I do mean at current prices.

  2. Towser says:

    Been reading Clifford Simak again?

  3. engleberg says:

    Pandas, really big turtles and salamanders.

  4. j says:

    Our neo-dogs will fight their novel bats.

  5. Kinch says:

    Dogs and Sharks. Payback with the kind of interest Shylock would have considered swingeing.

  6. Lior says:

    They will be more loyal against north korea

  7. dearieme says:

    Isn’t that rather sexist? Shouldn’t bitches be uplifted too? Including, of course, dogs who identify as bitches. Anyway I thought all the dog jokes were about Korea?

    I suspect I am completely missing an allusion here. Trump? The husk of Joe Biden? Some other bozo?

  8. Joshua Glassman says:

    Cipher message received How does one go about getting the key?

  9. Rob says:

    Raccoons are pretty smart already, and they hands. If they were diurnal they’d be the tool-using species after us. Maybe the elephants will be next. If the elephants get smart, then they can negotiate with aliens to keep the foot from falling.

  10. Smithie says:

    I was thinking that, in the future, dogs would probably be bred for intelligence, at least to the heights of the high performers that exist now. Like the border collie that, after training, can recognize 1022 objects.

    Imagine if we could make scent dogs that required practically no training, and that performed reliably. Might not hurt to add elephant-factors to decrease cancer rates. Though, something tells me we should not try to insert shark genes.

  11. dana says:

    the fact that i read these books and got this reference is why i read your blog lol

    • shadow on the wall says:

      Exactly. You do not have to overanalyze this post, it is another one meant as tongue in cheek in joke, to show Mr. Cochran’s mastery of science fiction classics.

      Uplifted intelligent dogs will have less in common with natural dogs that we have with apes.
      Apes and monkeys are commonly eaten in many African countries, search for “bush meat”.
      Do you feel rage and desire for revenge when you think about it? I do not think so.

  12. DdR says:

    David Brin?

  13. Smithie says:

    In that case, guess the Chinese better hurry with their campaign to ban dog-eating. I understand that in certain places, you can still find the occasional restaurant that advertises what Cú Chulainn had a geas against eating.

  14. Gord. marsden says:

    Should never uplift a menu item in another culture too far

  15. rjjcda says:

    In a restaurant in Xichang, China in 1997, friend was taken to kitchen to help decide what to order. He came back immediately and said “lets get out of here.” Outside he told me they had live puppies in cages for order.

    • NumberOneCustomer says:

      Around the same time i had a friend come back from studying abroad in China. He said it got to the point where the only meat he would eat was something that had a chicken claw attached to one end

    • Rosenmop says:

      Jesus H. Christ.

  16. Olaf Stapleton tackled this one:

    • David Chamberlin says:

      If we uplift dogs they will dominate the chef business with their noses being 50 times as sensitive as ours. Then after they invent 100 more chocolate flavors and perfectly balance them in cheap fast food then we will just get fatter and fatter and fall even farther behind.

  17. R. says:

    I mean, not sure if that’s gonna be much help about I don’t even know how many clones of math and engineering geniuses Chinese are going to be bringing in on their side.

    • dave chamberlin says:

      The Chinese are heavily invested in Africa helping to exploit their untapped natural resources. It is also going to be the last stop on earth for cheap labor. That fucked up continent is projected to hit 3 billion very lost souls by 2100. The horsemen are going to ride before that happens. The Chinese are going to have to sell their genetic engineering of human intelligence and I don’t see a better option than a few miserable locations in Africa. At first it won’t be a huge difference, just bringing up the average 85 IQ’s to average 115 IQ’s. Final picture to this setting; genetically engineered africans are in their own brand of the Peace Corp’s and are helping the southern white trash in some place like Mississippi. They have a flag that complexly hides the confederate flag.

  18. Rob says:


    Intelligence has a parent-child heritability of, what, .4? What is the standard deviation within a family? If a couple had 1000 children, what would the standard deviation be if both we 100 IQ? Would it be a lot different than if if both parents were, say 120, or a 120 and an 80?

    I want to say that Arthur Jensen in The g Factor said the within family standard deviation is 12. But parental IQ correlates, and that would tend to drive the within-family standard deveviation lower, while increasing the overall population standard deviation, right?

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