Conspiracy Theory

Let me tell you my favorite Kennedy assassination theory, which I developed up myself using my patented automatic conspiracy generator. In my scenario,. there’s a tough old West Texas rancher – ex-marine, WWII vet, very old school. Married to a very pretty, extremely wild, much younger wife. He finds out that JFK has been screwing that young wife of his, protests to no avail, and while doing business in Dallas takes the opportunity to pot the POTUS as a purely personal question of honor. His wife is impressed, and calms down for a year or two.

But she falls off the wagon. Looking for adventure , or whatever comes her way, a few years later she’s fooling around with Martin Luther King, with predictable consequences.

All this is slowly discovered, over a long search, by a true-blue New Frontiersman who has dedicated his life to finding the real killer. At the end of the story, at the end of his interview with the old rancher and his still-handsome middle-aged wife, he’s utterly gobsmacked. Both of his heroes dead by one hand: not because of race, or politics, or international intrigue -just because they couldn’t keep their pants on. So after hearing about MLK’s death, he asks ” What then?”. The Rancher says nothing involving more trouble: they made a living, raised a family. She’d calmed down a lot and was a good mother and a fine helper on the ranch. She said “You see, after he shot Martin, I knew he really loved me”.

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32 Responses to Conspiracy Theory

  1. realist says:

    And the point is?

    • catte says:

      It’s funny.

    • ziel says:

      Well the irony – all these conspiracy theories designed to prove that JFK was too a martyr to the causes of peace and social justice and not just the victim of some “silly little communist” – and then finally the real conspiracy has an even more sordid origin.

      • dearieme says:

        If the little commie hadn’t shot him few people today would think highly of JFK; perhaps few people would remember much about him. He’s hallowed because he was murdered.

        Whereas MLK had some achievements to his name. Though if he’d not been murdered he might have gone on to ruin his own reputation.

        “All political lives, unless they are cut off in midstream at a happy juncture, end in failure, because that is the nature of politics and of human affairs.”

  2. SMack says:

    Surely you could work Bobby into this story. Those brothers were known to share girlfriends. And RFK was shot with .22 long, which seems like something a rancher might have around for dealing with…lesser varmints.

  3. Lior says:

    It’s so inconsiderate to cheat with people who are so terribly hard to kill.

  4. Sinij says:

    A grievance studies paper (bonus points if it is accepted) would be more entertaining to read.

    • Sinij says:

      May I suggest a working title: “Polygenic determinism and toxic masculinity, fighting against oppressive allele dominance”.

  5. memememememe says:

    My Darlin’ Made it Happen: How I shook the world of my love’s embrace

    or if you paced the story and/or investigation the right way you might call it Racing With The Wind

  6. Smithie says:

    I wonder if there is a MLK autopsy report similar to JFK’s reported one (with mention of venereal disease). Could fit into the theory.

  7. epoch says:

    My favorite theory is that the US were warned by the Soviets about Oswald but thought it was a manipulation by the Soviets.

  8. engleberg says:

    Or maybe the old ball and chain paid a hit man. I don’t think Jackie would have gone with some little communist, but I could see Coretta just getting fed up with the cheater. If I was in the Secret Service I’d routinely watch potus wives.

  9. Hereward says:

    Somebody phone the Cohen brothers. This is tailor made for them!

  10. Melchizedek says:

    New information has come to light: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2U7dXPA_juM

    • ziel says:

      Unfortunately, the Dr. is so inarticulate, and the interviewer so distracting with his mis-aimed and mid-timed interruptions, it’s hard to gather that he’s saying anything other than he thought the wound looked more like the bullet entered from the front rather than the rear, which we’ve heard a thousand times before and has been refuted a thousand times before.

  11. BB753 says:

    Onassis did it. He wanted Jackie for himself.

  12. Anon says:

    Can’t be a conspiracy if it’s only one person!

  13. Coagulopath says:

    I’m really fascinated by Lee Harvey Oswald. He’s basically the Hitler than never made it.

    Hitler was obsessed with International Jewry, while Oswald was obsessed with communism, but their personalities are almost exactly the same. They could have been brothers. Paranoid, angry men, nursing grievances at a world that refused to recognize their brilliance.

    We live right next door to a universe where Adolf Hitler was gunned down in 1932 after assassinating a public figure, and where Lee Harvey Oswald found a way to hurl the United States into global war. Or maybe not. Oswald doesn’t seem to have had Hitler’s charisma. His life was spent trying to accomplish minor goals, getting repudiated, and slinking away like a beaten dog.

    The internet was a godsend for Oswald’s personality type. Had he been born 50 years later, he’d be running one of those Youtube accounts that has 7 subscribers and six videos a day TELLING us to WAKE UP and LISTEN with LOTS of random CAPS. Tragically, he found another outlet for his resentment.

    If not for the whole killing-the-President thing, I’d pity Oswald. He needn’t feel like an embittered failure. He actually did some cool stuff: he was a marine, he went to Russia, he married a Russian woman. How many Cold War era Americans could say that? He wasn’t a rockstar, but he could have entertained the local bar with his stories.

  14. Rich Rostrom says:

    IMO all the conspiracy theories fail because none of them can explain the cover-up. Somehow The Plotters obtained the cooperation of Chief Justice Earl Warren (not a plausible tool of insider criminals), future President Gerald Ford, and ex-CIA Director Allen Dulles (members of the Commission). Oh yes, and Attorney General Robert Kennedy, John’s brother.

    Here’s my Kennedy conspiracy theory. There was a an elderly 100-millionaire (call him Elmill) who was an obsessive Marilyn Monroe fan. Elmill suffered from various disabilities and disfiguring conditions, and lived in seclusion. So he never met Monroe. Instead he vicariously participated in her life. He even employed private investigators to monitor her private life.

    Thus he learned of her affair with Kennedy. This did not offend him. But then she died, and he learned of the suspicious-looking actions of Kennedy associates. He jumped to the conclusion that Kennedy had Monroe killed as a political liability. And he decided to avenge her.

    So he spent some of his money on arranging the assassination and framing Oswald. The investigators pierced his masquerade, but he just dared them to prosecute. He was 84 years old, with emphysema, liver failure, and severe arthritis. If they put him on trial, he would reveal everything he knew about Kennedy’s shameless lechary and complicity in murder.

    The Kennedys knew full well that Elmill’s belief about Monroe’s death was a fantasy. But if Kennedy’s adulteries were exposed, his memory would be blackened. And Elmill’s fantasy would seem plausible; it could never be eliminated.

    In the end, the Kennedys persuaded the Commission to cut a deal with Elmill – scapegoat Oswald as planned, and Elmill would keep silent. (He felt a bit sorry for Jackie and didn’t want to humiliate her.)

    How does that sound?

    • AndrewS says:

      You don’t even need Elmill. If the Warren Commission glossed over the autopsy report, then they did so knowing there would be something in there they had to hide. Perhaps in their haste to hide (say) STDs, they also overlooked something else.

      Furthermore, this is supposed to be a conspiracy theory. If it makes sense, then it will never be popular.

  15. The Z Blog says:

    Joe DiMaggio killed JFK and RFK. He had the motive. The Kennedy boys were banging his one true love. No one can pin down his whereabouts on those two days. Of course, his nickname “The Yankee Clipper” can only mean one thing.

    The CIA covered it up because he was always an asset, domestically and internationally. Just as the deep state used Morris “Moe” Berg, the post-war deep state relied upon Joltin’ Joe and covered up his crimes as a reward.

  16. cthulhu says:

    It’s at least as believable as the tales of the JFK, MLK, and RFK assassinations that James Ellroy spins in his “Underworld USA” trilogy – American Tabloid, The Cold Six Thousand, and Blood’s a River. I love those books – Ellroy is a fantastic writer when he wants to be – but his plots are always the weak points; his characters and prose are where the action is.

  17. JP Irwin says:

    This is the best laid punch-line trap I’ve fallen into in a while. Masterful setup.

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